Strong woman? Don't read.

Have you ever heard someone say to you, “just push through it.” Or, “you've got to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” These overly-used, cliched phrases are intended to give us strength and hope, but more oftentimes than not, they end up having an opposite effect.

Case in point: I've spent most of my life taking care of myself. Not trusting others, because I truly believed that others would just disappoint me. I learned early on that I could mostly trust myself, so that’s who my best friend became. I can see that I've hurt a lot of people along the way, and that those people paid the price for my insecurities.

I was raised to do things on my own, because no one else could do it right. I learned to take responsibility for my part in other’s mistakes (if this sounds wrong to you, you’re right) and to only focus on what I could do to fix my situation and never rely on others to do it for me.

Unfortunately, there are vast majorities of people who see nothing wrong with these internal mantras, these life lessons. I am convinced though, that this is the easy way out. We've become a society, a country, a family unit, and individual people, who are comfortable with almost no accountability, unless it’s news-worthy. Instead of holding others accountable for their wrongs, or not accepting their poor choices or behavior, we simply turn away and resolve to not let them be a part of our lives, or say, “At least I’m not like that!” Parents make excuses for their children’s attitudes and choices. People say about their family members, “that’s just the way they are.” Our own justice system has become a system of judgment, rather than rehabilitation when it comes to drug addicts, sex criminals, and abusive parents.

Any person who has had struggles has been encouraged by someone they love or trust to stop complaining about their problems and do something about it. Does this type of support really lead someone down the path of healing? Or is this just a way for other people to deflect emotional responsibility so they can get back to thinking about their own problems and life? I don’t think that feeling sorry for someone helps either, but that’s not what I’m trying to say here.

I’m tired of being the strong one, the survivor, the one who keeps pushing on, despite my own pain or circumstances. If we are truly supposed to value ourselves, then I believe as people we deserve the right love and support. We should be able to reach out earnestly to someone for encouraging words or a little compassion. I’m not going to deny myself these things any longer just because I've always thought it didn't exist.

It does. And I've seen it.

And I’m starting to finally believe that I deserve it.

Shouldn't you too? 

Success and Failure on Mother's Day

As I think about turning 30 this year, I'm entering a period of quiet reflection. Looking back on my life; my childhood, teenage years, and young adult life so far, I can't help but appreciate what's happened to me along the way. Things I used to consider damaging I'm beginning to see in a new light. The sum total, and each individual experience, has made me who I am today. And I do not regret it.

People who are near and dear to me; they have their own personal damage, quirks, and insecurities that make them who they are, and regardless of any shortcomings, the impact they have made on my life is enormous.

Who I am now was shaped early on by three amazing women. My aunt, whom I love dearly, who knows what I need before I need it, and is always quick to give it to me; who is so perceptive about situations and has the ability to break things down to its most basic terms, and who also possesses the foresight to warn others off potentially bad choices or situations. From her I took for myself a measure of practicality, the skill of looking for problems and solutions.

Another aunt, close to my heart, who thinks and believes so closely to myself, that I feel we are almost always of the same mind. She brings balance to my life by coming up beside me and walking at my side, no matter what I'm going through, and helping me to see the tiny signs and small steps required to get where I want to be. From her I took my ability to perceive things unseen, to mediate and rationalize thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors.

And my grandmother-turned-mom; the women who took me in and raised me as her own. Our simple and also complicated relationship has affected me in ways I can't fully comprehend. But she was, and is, always there; who showed me the true spirit of a survivor and the worth in never giving up. From her I took a wellspring of hope and strength.

I love who I am because of these women, the pillars of Faith, Hope, and Charity. Their failures are my failures, their successes are my successes, and mine theirs. And as I celebrate the passing of another decade, I want to celebrate them, because who I've become is also a part of them.

Stale

Listening to: The Letter Black, Hanging on by a thread

The past few years I have spent so much energy towards self enlightenment; I've listened to lectures on patience and peace, read books on critical thinking and reasoning. I truly love the principles I've learned and have enjoyed seeing the positive impact these principles have had on my life and relationships.
However, I feel I have become a bit stale.
I remember a time when I used to be filled with passion! And I want to see that return. I've spent some time working on myself and now I want to be whole again, emotions and all. Is there a balance there, or can you only be one or the other?
Filled with passion and raw emotion or happy and peaceful? I want to find out.